3 Signs That Your Close Friendship Has Become A Sunk Cost
So a bit of backstory, I am a college student who is studying in business and last week I had a lecture in economics. I remember my professor was teaching me about cost, but the one that stood out to me is sunk cost.
Basically a sunk cost in a business is when you have spent all of your money and time on a business that is not going well. A prime example of this is with Blackberry where the owner has spent so much resources in developing it and now blackberries seem to be obsolete because no one uses them.
But that is in terms of business. My professor also gave an example about how sunk cost can also be applied in personal life to explain it better. He explained that sunk cost can also be applied in relationships. Like you can spend so much time and effort with your significant other but if it leaves you unsatisfied, then your relationship becomes a sunk cost. And it is time for you to stop investing in it.
However I am not in a relationship right now, as I do not have a significant other. So I cannot really apply the sunk cost theory to that area of my life. But I can absolutely apply it to other areas in my personal life, one of them is friendship.
But to clarify first, I am talking about close friendship, the ones where you feel comfortable with someone. With someone you consider to be a best friend, And it can take in many shapes and from, from it being your family member or your significant other, honestly there are no limits in close friendship.
Getting that out of the way, I want to state my history about my friendship so you can be the objective judge of my friendship. I am the type of person who does not struggle making lighthearted friendships.
What is a lighthearted friendship, you might ask? Well I learned from Emma’s Chamberlain podcast that a lighthearted friendship is like situational friendship, where you make friends in a certain situation. It could be in school, workplace or a coffee shop.
But the friendship feels transactional at least to me because I only talk with them if I need something. Like asking notes from a lecture or to ask someone if they want to go to the cafeteria together.
There are not bad friendship per say, but they do lack in depth, which I am craving. I want to have a friend who I can talk about anything and have deep conversations with. And I ended up in a friendship where I found someone who can be my confidant.
But sadly my close friendship never seems to last forever. It is because either I did not notice that my best friend at that time and I were drifting apart.
But what they do have in common is that they have become sunk cost, where it just does not make me happy anymore. Some people may say that I am selfish for not being grateful for the friendship that you have, but yet is it really bad to not want to settle for less?
But yet, here I am still talking about it because friendship to me is a complex term. As someone who grew up as a drifter, who has too many lighthearted friendships and too few of the close one, I reflect on my past experience. On when I had the realization that my friendship had become sunk cost.
However I want to clarify that if your friendship becomes a sunk cost to you, it does not mean that you have to end it right away. It is just a sign that it is time for you to reflect on your friendship and see where you go from there. The goal of this blog is not to encourage you to cut all ties with your friendship, but to make you see if a friendship does not seem to fulfill you anymore. After all if you feel that your close friendship has become a sunk cost, you can revert back to the lighthearted one. Or you can grow apart and grow closer back together.
So here are signs that your friendship has become a sunk cost and you can add your own twist if it does not suit you.
1. Not being present for for each other
In my opinion, being present for each other is the bare minimum for friendships. Like you do not have to talk everyday over the phone or chat to them everyday. But the moment you talk, both of you should be present and catch up with each other, and it feels like no time has passed.
I find those kinds of talks getting more rare in my life. I do not mind talking with someone once a month, I am not expecting them to be present with me all the time.. But the problem is when I talk to them, it seems that we either revert back to strangers or the other person is not really listening.
I will give an example of those two occasions from my real life but I am going to make it as vague as possible to not hurt the person I am talking about. And remember it is not the other persons’ fault if they decide not to be present , after all they are both doing the best that they can.
Also that I feel like their friendship are a sunk cost at the time I am writing this blog. It can change anytime in the future.
So I had this best friend, let’s call her Sherry. 4 months after we hung out physically , I chatted with her and it seems that we have reverted back to strangers, giving each other short answers. While there is no harm from a short answer, I saw that it makes us more distant and affects me personally.
In my head, I see that my best friend did not even try to be present and engage with me. While I understand that she did not know what to talk about, it is such a shame that we could not talk like we used to. And that marks the end of our close friendship. We are still friends but not as close as we used to be, because like I said it seems that we cannot talk about anything anymore.
Then for my current friend, let’s call her Sonya. We used to chat everyday, but it changed to calling once a week to catch up. However I realized that she was not really present in our conversation. . Like I would talk about my day and somehow we revert back to her problem. Granted I asked how she was doing and she opened up about her problem. But I already gave her my advice and listened to her, but somehow we always seem to circle back to her problem.
Even though from the outside it looks we are being present for each other, the reality was we are not really connecting. And I always feel exhausted if I had to call her because it seems that we never were able to not talk about her school problem.
For me, I see that she is not making time to be present with me, which did drain me out because I always provide an hour to talk with her and it stings that she cannot do the same to me. I knew that in the back of my mind that both of us are doing the best we can, giving our best. But it still pains me when I realize that I am not getting the same effort back. That she is still not making time for me even in our limited time.
Being present is important because it signifies that you care about the person, that you want to give them your time of day. And if someone says that they are too busy, it might be true but consider this. We are all given 24 hours a day. And if we can spare the time to be present (even if it’s just 5 minutes), is it really a crime to expect them to do the same?
2. You are no longer inspire by them
What does not being inspired by your friend mean? Being inspired means that you admire the other person and you want their positive traits to rub off on you. For example, you become best friends with this person who has the characteristics that you want. It could be that they are very patient. And you become friends with them, hoping that their strength rubs off on you, or at least inspires you to become a better person.
However as time grows by, you see your best friend become a shell of the person they used to be. It could be that they have become easily irritated or someone who is really negative. At this point you have two options.
The first option is to give them a chance to become the person that they used to be. Either being patient and letting them grow at their own phase, afterall growth is not linear all the time. Sometimes we regress in our growth and progress again
The second option is to step back from the friendship. You should consider this option when your friend has become toxic or you already gave them the time and your patience. Remember that at the end of the day, you cannot fix a person. Or change them at all.
I have undergone those two options with my current friend or my ex best friend, where I already gave them the chance and they seem not to be able to grow. You can say that I should be there for my friend even in their worst time, but I see that I should stop because it is hurting me.
For my friendship with my former best friend, I did confront her and reconcile, And yet, even when we already made amends, I was not inspired by her anymore. I felt that she has become so different from the person I used to know and it’s no wonder why we talk like strangers now.
For my current friend, I already gave her 6 months to see if she will change or if she will make time for me. Even though she did give me her time (on holidays) and she promised to be more present, I cannot wait on forever. Because it is hurting me how she is so clouded by her problem that she is cast me aside
However I want to put a disclaimer that both my former best friend and current friend are not bad people. It is just that they do not inspire me anymore and it is not their fault or our own. As we grow by the year, we change. And if those changes do not align with you, then you have the right to say that you are not inspired by them.
3. You want to become better than your friend
We all have egos, and we admit that we all experience jealousy with the other person. Or in rivalry where you want to be better than the person. While rivalry can push you to become a better person, I cannot say that it is a good trait to have in an ideal friendship.
An ideal close friendship is where you and your friend are both equal. Where you genuinely feel happy for the other person’s accomplishment and vice versa. You do not have any ambition to become better than them and vice versa. Both of you are not in a rivalry.
Rivalry can be applied to many areas of life. In fashion, who is more fashionable? In academics, who has the best score? In a friend circle, who has the most friends? You can make everything a competition if you want to and it is also applied in friendship.
While there are healthy rivalries in a friendship, like for example competing to win a game. It can become dangerous when it gets out of hand, where you compare yourself with them 24/7. Making sure that they do not get the glory or feeling bad for yourself when they are better than yourself.
A great question to determine whether rivalry is deeply rooted in your friendship or not is
“Am I genuinely happy for their accomplishment?”
Because if you are unhappy with your friend’s accomplishment, then it is a sign of a power imbalance. Where you feel that either your friends are beneath you or above you. If you feel that your friend is beneath you, you would think” How on earth could they become successful, while I’m not?”
While on the other hand, if they are above you, you would think that “ Wow, I would never keep up with them.” And then you will feel insecure with their accomplishment and you feel that you’re worse than them.
Either way, power imbalance is not a good thing from both sides. Even if you are the one who feels that you are better or worse than your friend. I, myself admit that I have been on both sides, and it really made me realize that I am so insecure that either my accomplishments have to surpass my friend or it becomes obsolete in comparison to my friend.
Gentle Reminders
Remember 3 things if your friendship becomes a sunk cost. First it does not mean that you have to break up with your best friend, you can try to take a few steps back and let the friendship go distant. You can still be friends with them, but you guys will not be as close as you used to be.
Two, if your friendship feels like a sunk cost, it does not mean that you or the other person is in the wrong. It just means that your close friendship has expired and where you want to go from that point is 100% entirely up to you..
Three, remember that even if your close friendship has become a sunk cost, it does not necessarily mean that it was a bad friendship or a toxic friendship. Or that you have wasted your time. It just means that your friendship has really run its course, and it is up to you what to do about it.
So that’s all from me. What do you think of this blog? Do you agree or disagree? And please tell me your guys’ feedback. Thank you.
